my · retarded · life

i hate this weird mindset that i've had since i was like ten years old.

i tell myself to act a certain way or think certain things in hope that my brain will magically convert to that way and i will be forever cured. but jesus christ carrie if that was the case, people wouldnt be so retarded now-a-days.

i like to pretend that if i say i dont care about brandon, then i wont.
i like to pretend that if i say i dont care about cory suddenly not texting or calling me, then i wont.
i like to pretend that if i say i am not going to be a pushover and be walked all over, then in the end, i wont.

pathetic?
maybe.
but i guess in the end of it all i cannot help but who i have become.

i lash out on the wrong people.
let the assholes walk all over me.
and for what?

i say sorry when i shouldnt.
and cry over someone that isnt worth it.

i yell at friends for stupid things and realize it was a bad call..maybe just a bit too late?

i tell myself i never want to fall in love again when really i am pretty sure, its the only thing i want.

maybe its just the holidays?
nah. ive always been a sucker for falling in love.

but no no. i just have to keep "telling myself" that love doesnt exist.
that humans are just mammals that mate to reproduce.
love is just an attraction...a word that one made up to make us feel more cultured, more...developed

i dont fucking know anymore.
i should be sleeping...or studying...one of the two.
but no...i am on livejournal..

giving out deep thoughts to my everyday mind process.

last night was the outbacker christmas party and i thank whoever it is up there, down there over there for putting these people in my life.

i really do not know where i would be or how i would be if i didnt know them.
two years on january fourth.
do i hate that fucking place?
sometimes.
but i get away with enough to love it just a little.

we are on day...
five...of this cold.
and its getting better thank you jesus.


and with that im out.
gives me six hours of sleep.
when im running on about four from last night.

♥

people dont understand me.
at all. and i hate it. maybe im just too complicated...or something. i dont fucking know anymore.

i do not like going on dates.
unless i really really like you..and show some kind of interest.
if you think this is weird. do not tell me...i do NOT need to hear your fucking opinion on how i am never going to meet someone, or that i am "weird" or what the fuck ever else you have to say. infact, for now on, im just going to get flat out bitchy with you.

last month i had my heart stepped all over.
pretty much i was slapped in the fucking face.
it was humilating and a major low in my life.
that whole day after i hung out with brandon...i cried. i cried my fucking eyes out.
i felt like wow. now we arent going to talk. how am i going to do this.

AS IF i was incapable of living my life without him.
well its going on two or three fucking weeks that i have not heard from him. and im ok.
i just think i cant trust anyone. anymore.
that might seem extravegant. but again. you do not know me.
the one person in my life i thought would never fuck me over. did.
and he did it hard.

so i have offically stopped caring.
i do not care about your feelings. i dont care who you are. honestly.
i do not want to get close to anyone because i dont feel like dealing with this shit.

im going to be twenty in august and i think for the first time in a long time i know what i want out of my life. i spent two years at aacc thinking i had it all figured out...but now i've decided to change it up. if you think taking pictures of crime/murder scenes is weird and that i am incapable of doing it. again. i do not care. talk all the shit you want, i am happy with my decision.

and britney whittle.
one day i am going to come up to box n save.
and im going to tell you what i think of your cunt ass.
and then...im going to thank you.
THANK YOU for saving me before i even THOUGHT about waiting around for some little boy for four years. so no really. you did me a big favor. i appreciate it. now grow up and stop saying im the one causing all the drama. because sweety everything that happened, you did it to yourself.

mmm so lately the idea of college is driving me insane.
yes i know i need it to make something of myself in life..
but god i wish i did not have to.

i hate homework.
i hate projects.
i hate anything that does not deal with graphic design/art/adobe.

so pretty much.
i dont care about video production.
i dont care about math.
i dont care about health.

end of story.

so. i thought i was done with John.

Uh...
WRONG

friday morning i was getting dressed to leave and run some errands with my mother, and as i was changing songs
on my itunes playlist, an IM popped up. you know how it takes your brain a second to function and read things. yea
that happened to me.

but you know what he asked me.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE ASKED ME??

where have you been

um. are you serious? WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU been??

heres the convo. i do not feel like writing it out.

john: blah where have you been?
Magik8Ball87: me? i thought you didnt want to talk to me anymore?
john: lol why would i do that?
Magik8Ball87: i dont know? lol
john: lol
Magik8Ball87: i assume things
john: what happens when you assume?
Magik8Ball87: i just assumed you didnt like me on our little date at starbucks so i didnt want to bug you
john: i didn tlike the tea haha
Magik8Ball87: lol yeah i got that after one sip and you threw it away
Magik8Ball87: congrats on your soccer game by the way
john: hey thanks
Magik8Ball87: your welcome
john: hows box n save
Magik8Ball87: shitty as shitty can be
john: awesome haha
Magik8Ball87: lol yeah right
Magik8Ball87: saturday i might skip my class and go to Family Day at the C.I.A with my sister, they have recruiters there so maybe just maybe i can leave that place
john: kool
Magik8Ball87: yeah man
Magik8Ball87: well ya know the question is, where have you been?
john: sleeping
john: :)
Magik8Ball87: lol ohhh right
Magik8Ball87: well i have to put my shoes on and run some errands with my mother before she drives me crazy
john: aight ill holler
john: byeeeee




ok.
im done.
i should study...if only for a few minutes.
FUCK.

boys are dumb.

no seriously they are.
if it wasnt for their dick. women would have no need for them...
even then...

ANYWAYS.

mr. stud man from starbucks was a waste of time.
which sucks because he was a total hottie.

but i think he thought i was some young dumb nineteen year old that he could manipulate.

but im not that dumb honey :)

MOVING ON.

corys dating some new skank and thats whatever.

i still havent gotten a letter from brandon and this saddens me.


argh.
next topic. im done with men...guys...little boys.

i hate math.
my teacher is a fucking retard.
i think i mentioned this before.
but she is stupid.
i got a C on my test though. so thats a plus!


and what else?

oh friends.

yeah i hate them.

most of them.

i just dont understand how a best friend can tell a fucking secret.

what

the

fuck.

college is ok.
i hate my math class.

my west civ. professor is HILARIOUS. hands down.
i went to my saturday class today and my professor was a no show?
me and these two other guys sat and waited until fourty-five minutes were up
we were just laughing about stupid shit. good times.

my online classes are gay.
i hate them.

i am over cory.
what a fucking waste of my time.

i went on a date with a hot boy thursday.
he makes me smile.

but i dont know what the deal is with him?
i text him and asked if he wanted to hang out tonight and he never wrote back...
instead he just sent me a little smiley on aol.

argh.

i had a lot of fun with him at starbucks though.

anyways.

ive been working out hardcore lately.
running at downs park.
lifting weights.

im excited.
oh and eating better.

yeahhh boy.

ok im out.

so when i think of how i was upset on friday i could smack myself.
smack myself for even letting someone get to me so much as well. he did.

i am an idiot. i know...no need to remind me.
but tonight i realized (once again) that what i felt for cory was nothing compared to what people should really for each other. it was just a shared physical attraction. i guess?

but after seeing brandon and being around him again made me realize that cory is seriously just a waste of my time. and that i should of spent more time with brandon than even bothering to try to talk to cory.

aw fuck.

i have been having the shittest week EVER of my life. and i just need one person there. one person that has yet to ever let me down. and of course that person is brandon. and of course he is in another state. doing what he wanted to do. god what the fuck. it was so obvious...even when he was dating ann. but NO. i cared too much of what people thought to go after the one person that clearly made me happy.
i could tell him anything.
he loved my pictures.
we could talk for hours.

oh my god.
seriously
and now kyle is telling me all this crap brandon said about how he didnt want to try anything because i was like his best friend. but crap. thats probably because he didnt think i felt the same way.

i remember the one night i was leaving at six and i was supposed to meet andrea at starbucks but me and him talked for an hour outside in the freezing cold. and it was like he didnt want me to leave...
because we just stood there for a moment and looked at eachother.

fuck.
i
am
an
idiot.

1. Are you named after anyone? If so, explain.
my parents named me after the scary movie Carrie by Stephen King. Apparently they liked the name so it became mine...also they tell me im pretty scary like her. haha

2. Do you have your children's names picked out already? If so, is there any significance?
no. i use to love the name violet but some stupid movie star took it. mother fuckers now everyone is going to name their kid that, i also like landon or skylar. but who the fuck knows.

3. If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name have been?
i would of been Paul Michael Richard. haha

4. If you could re-name yourself what name would you pick and why?
i like my name so i could not think of anything else. for awhile i use to hate it but not many people are named carrie. except for my lover carey paytus. but at least its not like jessica or katie or something. no offense to my lovely friends with those names. but you know what i mean.

5. Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do w/ your name constantly?
well just my last name. its RICHARD. not RICHARDS.